A New Year, A New Perspective
“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try,
sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need.” Almost 5 months into my YAV year, and I have
had to shift my idea about what this year must be about. I definitely think
it’s important to dream, and to make strong goals, but on the flip side of
that, we can’t get so caught up in our dreaming and wants that we miss out on
what we’re given.
To be honest, I’ve spent a lot of the time over the last 5
months being disappointed that this year wasn’t what I had hoped it was going
to be, but I’m starting to realize that to some degree, not having what I want
is part of what I need to grow this year. And after this year, once I have the
job, the marriage, and some of the things I look forward to and want, I will
appreciate it even more.
I need to stop trying to get what I want out of this year,
and start embracing what I do get. Yesterday, in church, the sermon was all
about the embrace of God’s love, and how it’s a lot less limited than our minds
generally fathom. Often we can create barriers for why we deserve this love
more than the next, but it’s limitless. Does that make us any less special? No,
because we are still children of God. So, then the challenge, instead of
“earning God’s love” becomes embodying it. The guest preacher also preached
more about being part of one body. Some would follow that with “In Christ” but
the preacher yesterday seemed to think that was just one way of wording it. He said
he had a Muslim friend who said he would pray for him on Saturday, and he
expected the same from him on Sunday. One body… I will come back to this point…
I have kind of flip-flopped day to day wondering if I came
in too open-minded, to maybe I wasn’t open-minded enough. I was very open
minded in accepting my job for the year, when my main goal had been to work
with children. I also focused on the parts of my job and was more excited about
the parts that aren’t the bigger parts. But the decisions I made got me to
where I am. So…now what?
Instead of regretting the decision and wondering, “What if”
I had been more stubborn about the things I had wanted to get out of this year,
and stronger in making decisions that would reflect that? And, would I be
happier if I had waited around to find the perfect job for me? There was a time
when I was excited about this job, and open to this job, and I’ve had to get
back to that.
I’ve decided to put all of the disappointments that I’ve had
so far out there, so I can see them and move on:
- I’ve been with children less than 2 hours a week.
- I’ve yet to start any sort of music class.
- I haven’t written any great songs yet
- I’m not teaching.
- I’m not perfect at my job.
But then there are also the good things:
- I’m learning new transferable skills that I’ve never had before such as making flyers and calendars, and computer clean-up
- Working with a larger population of women
- Being part of a team
- Learning greater self-discipline
- Fine tuning my time management within a new job and new requirements
So, maybe I wouldn’t have grown near as much had I simply
been in a job I loved every minute of. If I was sitting around with children
and musical instruments every day, yes I would absolutely love it, but maybe
that’s not what I need this year. Who knows, maybe I really do need to know how
to scan and de-frag a computer. But I think also, it has a lot to do with the
people that I get to meet every day.
As it is coming up on MLK day I think it’s important for all
of us to embrace our differences, and for me as well to step back and see the
transformation my life really is taking, even through the frustration. We’ve
been talking during our community days about the people that are often
discriminated against and marginalized, and I feel that I get a chance to be a
part of that community every day I go to work.
5 months ago I might have said, “work with those people.”
But now I see that that’s separating myself from part of the reality of
discrimination and poverty. I am neither above that system nor apart from it.
Part of discrimination is, what I understand as, a natural human phenomenon to categorize
things. I don’t think that this part is wrong. But it’s when that categorizing
is used to separate, hate, or be made to feel better or justified in one’s
self, that we have a problem. None of us are free from this judgment. I, as a white
engaged woman have my own “standards” placed upon me by others. Fortunately
there are a select few people that have gotten to know me outside of my
stereotypes and know me as the person that I am instead of the boxes I
fit into. I call these people friends and neighbors, lover, and family.
During YAV orientation we sang the song “We Are Homeless.”
The different verses describe a world that has pain, but instead of separating ourselves
from that pain and casting it off as someone else’s, acknowledging this “one
body” concept that we are taught, that we are in it all together. “We are man,
woman, we are children, and oh, we are homeless.” One body. So if one “part” of
the body suffers, don’t we all? I know if my tummy hurts, I’m probably not in a
great mood, and if I’m not in a great mood, I need to someone about it, and
maybe eat some chocolate. So, one malady causes a complete sensory phenomenon.
When one part suffers…
I still struggle with the balance of doing and being,
another concept that was often brought up at orientation. What does it mean to
do to “be a Christian” or whatever terminology you would use in your faith, as
opposed to “doing Christian things?” A lot of bad things can come from good
intentions. (They need a house, so I’ll build them one they can’t afford the
property tax on!)
Shane Claiborne says that the problem isn’t that people don’t
“love the homeless” but that they don’t know them. I do think that The
Gathering Place is modeled around being rather than doing and accepting people
where they are. I think my daily experiences are helping me grow around that
philosophy. I have had times in my life where I really needed to be accepted
where I was, and luckily I had people there to embody that for me.
Again, the challenge is not to “do Christianity” but embody
it, to not believe every word of a book, but to embody its teachings, to learn
to love to the core of humanity rather than just the surface. I was saying the
other day that I know atheists that are better “Christians” than some people
that go to church, not that it’s a competition. But it’s easy once you pinpoint
one idea to base your life around to miss the mark, for lines to get skewed. If
only we knew what “Christian” meant.
I have focused a lot on my job, because that was my biggest
reason for coming here, but I’ve also gotten so much out of the people that I
live with, the church I’ve started to go to, and the city of Denver . Overall, it’s a very laid back
culture, very casual style, and mostly up for change. Maybe that is only the
side I’ve seen and the people I’ve gotten to hang out with, but it is a much
nicer culture than the weather. Haha.
So, new year, new perspective: I do think I’m growing, I
know I’m learning, I miss my family and Alex, but I have 7 more months and need
to live in a more embracing approach to all that the rest of this year has to
offer. Every challenge is a stepping stone, and every tear is a mile toward who
I’m going to be when this year is all over and done with. I can’t seem to get
everything I want, but I’m going to try real hard to get and love this year for
what I need.
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