Indulging in the familiar

I lied….

I said I would post again in less than 2 months this time. Well, this is a few days short of 2 months. I had a few things that I wanted to get straightened out in life here in Denver before I put up another post. I had some revelations and mysteries arise not too long after I posted my last blog.

My biggest discovery was that I didn't realize to what extent I have given a year of my life toward so many new things. Obviously I’m in a new city, living with new people, and working a new job, but this newness is even greater than that.

It was kind of odd because I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me until I had a few meetings at work and realized all the little mistakes I had made and things I’d missed along the way. My “don’t worry, I got this,” “I’ll just dive in head first, and try to swim” approaches had failed. I hadn’t asked the right questions or really known to what extent my job and therefore my mistakes had on the environment and culture of my workplace.

So… I can’t do everything, or “figure everything out” without help. Asking for help though or admitting that you don’t remember the answer to that question you know you’ve asked several times is both frustrating and humbling. I couldn’t admit to the people I’m working with or to myself that I was struggling.

All I knew was that I was overwhelmed and not really that happy. But, instead of asking myself where the core of my frustration was coming from, and admitting that I couldn’t handle everything that was thrown at me, I played the blame game, or wondered why I couldn’t just do more of what I thought I came here for.

With all of that though, and with supervisors that really care about working with me as I am, we have spent a lot of time trying to decide what that needs to look like.

For me, sometimes 9.5 hour work days, mostly on computers, plus a total of at least 1 ½ hour a day commute back and forth, plus trying to be a contributing member of my house, sometimes, it’s too much, at least when it’s all struggle. I wore myself out.

A girl at orientation laid out to us that being an extravert or introvert isn’t about being outgoing or shy. It’s about where you draw your energy. Anyone who knows me well knows I am the former, and could have probably predicted, maybe even better than I could, that spending so much time on computers would drain me, wouldn’t stimulate me toward any positive energy…

I learned that my biggest strength is connectedness: seeing all things as connected and being able to grasp the big picture. I think though that that was easier for me to see before I started the job. When I first interviewed for a position at The Gathering Place, I heard the job description, knew making calendars and doings some computer maintenance was part of it, but the parts that rang out were the, “There’s this program called The Card Project,” and “I’m sure we can find time for you to work with kids,” and “songwriting sounds like a great idea and a good possibility,” to where the pieces of my job that actually take up the most of my time just became small pieces of the bigger picture in my mind.

I've also learned that your biggest strength can also be your biggest weakness. One of my coworkers who has the same strength says that we have a harder time focusing on the details along the way because we are so focused on the big picture. Instead of seeing the trees, we see the whole forest. But, she shared the George Herbert poem, For Want of a Horseshoe Nail:

For want of a horseshoe nail

For want of a nail, the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe, the horse was lost.
For want of a horse, the rider was lost.
For want of a rider, the battle was lost.
For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost.
And all for want of a horseshoe nail.

It’s all a ripple effect, and I’m trying to learn how to be a team player in a position that, I have to admit, I’m not really that good at, and that requires skills and knowledge that I just didn't have 4 months ago. Remember when I said I was overwhelmed by the newness? New city, new people, new demographic, new job, new tasks, new skills required. When my world is void of familiarity, I have a harder time performing seemingly simple things.

So, I’ve had to create or remind myself to indulge in the familiar. I was going to give up Diet Dr. Pepper, but that is my one vice. My guitar spent too much time under the bed; I now go to open mic nights. I hadn't sung in a choir (I was in 3 before I left home) until Lauren’s mom started picking me up every week. Thank you Tracy! I was going to several churches of different doctrine; I now go to Central Presbyterian.

Humans, some more than others, naturally need some form of routine and familiarity, in order to ovoid chaos. It’s when we break out of our positive or at least harmless habits that we can enter a panic zone. Granted, some people are better and switching it up than others, and I think at different points in time, I have been too, but… in order to bring all of me to the table and do the best job I can, I need to embrace in the me that I am.

I am emotional, seemingly spacey because I generally have multiple things running through my brain. I need to do one thing at a time in order to do it well. I love children, and they provide the most positive energy to my life. My voice is what my soul sounds like, and to not sing is to not harness my being and spirit.

There have been a lot of questions running through my mind about whether or not this job is providing those things for me, but for now, all I can say is that I have to find ways of providing them for myself. I am seeing the impact that my job has in the whole of TGP, but as far as ever being the right fit for the job and the job for me, only time will tell. Things are in a better place than they were a couple weeks ago, and hopefully they will only get better.

For now though, I am really really looking forward to a nice break and trip home. I can’t wait to see my fiancé and my family, and we can reflect together what this year is all about.

I did have a really great week, Christmas carols, cards, candy, and festivities. When it is not this season, I just hope this joy can stick around. I think it will take more effort on my part, and the continued effort of the people working with me, so this year isn't just about doing a job. If it was about that, I could have stayed home and gotten paid. This year is about learning and growing, and having life changing experiences, and I know we do that most through struggle. My struggle now though is to just find and keep that balance between doing and being, with hopefully a little more room for the latter.